do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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