Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
