I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
