oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Randomize
