I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
