Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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