Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
