ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
