we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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