If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
