I'm going to jail i love you
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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