tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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