Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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