So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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