im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I have already put on my inside pants.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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