So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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