I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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