i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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