yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
