kristin has been a bad kristin
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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