Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
