I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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