Please, let me fuck your mom
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
