God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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