I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
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