True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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