I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
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