I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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