Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
