he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
