Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
