the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize