I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
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