What a fucking waste of an outfit
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
