is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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