is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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