I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
