I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Your cock deserves a montage
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
