Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
