I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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