Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
