I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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