If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
