You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
