you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
