Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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