I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
