he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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