I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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