By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
