New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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