I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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