i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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