I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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