she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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